meet me in the mountains

Rich and I no longer want to attend church. But we have older children who do want to go. So we decided to go to Church as a family every other week.  It works well for now.

The Sundays we don’t attend church feel like an amazing gift.

I did not want to just let Sundays become like every other day of the week. Since Rich works so much, we thought adding in some quality time as a family would be amazing. So we decided to try to create something meaningful and special. We call it our “Family Sabbath”.

 

Each Family Sabbath, we go exploring. I’ve lived for Utah for 20 years now, and I still feel like there is so much to explore, not to mention four seasons that make each place special in different ways throughout the year!

    

Do my children complain about driving far away (ie 30 minutes) or hiking or leaving their electronics? Yes, yes, and yes. But I have to say that each of these adventures has produced many amazing moments of discovery and wonder, laughter and play. Together, we’ve run down grassy hills and sledded down narrow trails of sparkling snow. We’ve set adrift wispy seeds from giant dried pods and plucked up tiny red fern-like plants growing underneath melting snow. We’ve ridden scooters and played tennis and admired outdoor sculptures and indoor works of art.

      

I’m not sure if my kids will someday love the mountains as much as I do.  But for now, these are the best days. On these days, I feel strong. My mind is clear. I feel capable of handling the challenges of life. I am brave enough to meet myself, to think about all that I have not yet become and all that I must do and to plan for it. I have my greatest loves holding my hands and mother nature showing us her secret wonders.  

I wanted to create a place for other mothers like me who may be struggling with their faith and need support and quiet and hope – that’s my reason for starting this blog. Heaven knows I am looking for support and wisdom from like-minded others, too! But I hope sharing these places will help you on your journey, whatever that journey may be.      



find help here...
Parenting children outside of the Church's framework can feel very scary and overwhelming. I'm so grateful I read Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn several years ago. IT IS LIFE-CHANGING.  Even if you are nothing like me, read it.  Even if you are not a parent, read it. I did not know it was possible to interact with my children in a such a loving and honorable way, and I could not mean that more sincerely.

Is your family split between believing Mormons and non-believing Mormons? Are you and your spouse on different pages when it comes to religion? This podcast, Raising Children in a Non-traditional LDS Home helped me so much.  These parents are so thoughtful in the way they raise their children, and I found listening to this to be so helpful.

this is me

I’m 37 and I’m starting over. Kind of.   

I was raised in a loving Mormon home, and I loved it. I loved my parents (still do), I loved living all the commandments and virtues I was taught, I loved having a dependable, supportive community, and I loved feeling special.

Adulthood changed things for me. To make a long (long, long, long, long) story very short, over a period of about 10 years I became increasingly disturbed by facts about Mormon history, specifically facts about Joseph Smith.

I would not let myself doubt that he was a prophet, but I found to my dismay that I was increasingly distrustful of God. I found it impossible to trust and love a God who could command adultery for his purposes.   

So, at 36, I finally made the strangest and most difficult decision I have ever made. I decided that I no longer believed in Joseph Smith being a prophet. And I decided I had to start being honest with my family and most importantly, honest with my children. I cannot express how miserable I had felt teaching them things I didn’t believe while at the same time hating myself for not believing them.

Something magic happened. As I began to be honest, I felt like a good person. I began to feel like my efforts to be a good mother, made me a good mother, regardless of my inability to share a burning testimony. Believing in a loving God seemed like a possibility, if a difficult one.

Something tragic happened. I devastated my family. I caused people I love great, great pain. I am still grappling with this, and probably always will.

I also lost a very helpful mechanism for making friends and building a sense of community and support. I lost my framework for teaching my children values and providing them a village, a sense of belonging, and a host of kind and selfless mentors.

It is now several months since I made my decision, and predictably, life is a mix of good and bad, hope and despair, success and failure. Many days I feel like I’m in a bad dream because everything feels unfamiliar and slightly off. I had such a clear path before, and now I have to lay the stones to make my own path. It is empowering and it is overwhelming. 

I am fortunate in that several weeks after I made my decision, my husband also came to the conclusion that the Church was not the “only true church”. I am so grateful that we have been able to build this new path together, hard as it has been.

Leaving the Church, I lost so much. It’s a painful rebirth into this world, and I got to bring very little with me. But there are three things I cherish that I still have, and I am building my new life around them.

Family.  I love my husband and my five children more than words can say.  They are a joy deep, a challenge wonderful, and my everything.

Mountain.  My deep connection to nature, this remains.  This is the spiritual part of me that has never betrayed me, that has remained a consistent source of beauty, majesty, inspiration, solace, and a connection to the divine/creator.  When I explore the mountain trails, I feel alive and excited and exactly like the brave explorer I wish to be.  

Home.  Since we just moved, I can’t really say I have this so much as I still dream of this. I dream of having a place that feels familiar, comfortable, peaceful and loving, a place full of people who are accept us and love us. I’m going to build it. I’m going to try.     

find help here...

When I knew I needed to change my life, this post was so powerful.  I was worried about so many things, but focusing only on becoming the good person I wanted to be helped me cut my anxiety dramatically. I love her words.  If you don't know where to start, start here. 

The LDS Church has recently posted some new essays about Joseph Smith and polygamy on the Church's official website, lds.org.  Find them here and here.