men and women

Men, through Joseph, are bestowed with an identity of being special, of communing with God, of trail blazing and commanding and fighting off naysayers.  And if this is the legacy of Joseph for men, Emma’s legacy for women is one of being lied to, neglected, cheated on, and having treasured withheld from her (seeing the plates for example) as her part in the role of bringing to pass God’s work.  This is what I learned from her – so when my efforts at noble obedience seemed to result in betrayal or neglect or failure, what was I to suppose?  That all of this could very well be my part to play, his plan for me.

But then, how in the world could I love God?  

And in fact, in the end, I hated him.  I continued to be obedient, but my feelings betrayed me.  I could not will myself to love a God like this.  I hated him and I hated myself for not glibly going along, a smile on my face, loving this wonderful God who had given me so much.  I hated myself – I do have so much – a wonderful family, wonderful children – how could I be so ungrateful?  I must just be rotten, and that is how I felt.  But deep down, I could only see God as a two-timer, double-speaker who told me he loved me but was willing to crush me under his heel if that meant furthering his plan.