I’m 37 and I’m starting over. Kind of.
I was raised in a loving Mormon home, and I loved it. I loved my parents (still do), I loved living
all the commandments and virtues I was taught, I loved having a dependable,
supportive community, and I loved feeling special.
Adulthood changed things for me. To make a long (long, long, long, long) story very short, over a
period of about 10 years I became increasingly disturbed by facts about Mormon
history, specifically facts about Joseph Smith.
I would not let myself doubt that he was a prophet, but I
found to my dismay that I was increasingly distrustful of God. I found it impossible to trust and love a God
who could command adultery for his purposes.
So, at 36, I finally made the strangest and most difficult
decision I have ever made. I decided
that I no longer believed in Joseph Smith being a prophet. And I decided I had to start being honest
with my family and most importantly, honest with my children. I cannot express how miserable I had felt
teaching them things I didn’t believe while at the same time hating myself for
not believing them.
Something magic happened. As I began to be honest, I felt like a good person. I began to feel like my efforts to be a good
mother, made me a good mother,
regardless of my inability to share a burning testimony. Believing in a loving God seemed like a
possibility, if a difficult one.
Something tragic happened. I devastated my family. I caused people I love great, great pain. I am still grappling with this, and probably
always will.
I also lost a very helpful mechanism for making friends and
building a sense of community and support. I lost my framework for teaching my children values and providing them a
village, a sense of belonging, and a host of kind and selfless mentors.
It is now several months since I made my decision, and predictably,
life is a mix of good and bad, hope and despair, success and failure. Many days I feel like I’m in a bad dream because
everything feels unfamiliar and slightly off. I had such a clear path before, and now I have to lay the stones to make
my own path. It is empowering and it is
overwhelming.
I am fortunate in that several weeks after I made my
decision, my husband also came to the conclusion that the Church was not the “only
true church”. I am so grateful that we have
been able to build this new path together, hard as it has been.
Leaving the Church, I lost so much. It’s a painful rebirth into this world, and I
got to bring very little with me. But there are three things I cherish that I
still have, and I am building my new life around them.
Family. I love my husband and my five children more
than words can say. They are a joy deep,
a challenge wonderful, and my everything.
Mountain. My deep connection to nature, this remains. This is the spiritual part of me that has never
betrayed me, that has remained a consistent source of beauty, majesty,
inspiration, solace, and a connection to the divine/creator. When I explore the mountain trails, I feel alive
and excited and exactly like the brave explorer I wish to be.
Home. Since we just moved, I can’t really say I
have this so much as I still dream of this. I dream of having a place that feels familiar, comfortable, peaceful and
loving, a place full of people who are accept us and love us. I’m going to build it. I’m going to try.
find help here...
When I knew I needed to change my life, this post was so powerful. I was worried about so many things, but focusing only on becoming the good person I wanted to be helped me cut my anxiety dramatically. I love her words. If you don't know where to start, start here.
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