My mom had a working mother. Her mom was a nurse, and our family takes great pride in her legacy of decades of service in that field. Still, when I was growing up, my mom reinforced vigorously to me that staying home was what God wanted for every family. I was told repeatedly how lucky we were that God blessed us so she could be home with us. I was an ambitious student, yet by the time I was 12, I could say with tears in my eyes that I would be a stay-at-home mom and sacrifice my dreams for my children.
I assume most Mormons have masturbated, but stake presidents, bishops, and young mens leaders continue the practice of shaming their children for masturbating.
We all know people and families where temple marriage and having children in the covenant did not lead to happiness - and civil unions or unions solemnized by other religions that turn out beautifully- yet we continue to teach that the temple is essential to salvation and eternal families.
We are uncomfortable with polygamy, but we repeat the script that it was for a great purpose and we shouldn't let it bother us.
We can look back at our own foibles and "sins" and see how overcoming those experiences changed us, oftentimes for the better. (Examples: We hurt someone and realized we needed to become more kind and careful with our words. We went into debt, had to rely on other people, and realized we needed to be more frugal or better at keeping a budget, as well as increased our gratitude to others and humility.) Yet we continue to teach that it is better to not sin, to avoid any chance of making mistakes, and to worship a God who never sinned. We continue to make the experience of "messing up" doubly shameful!
For heaven's sake, messing up is one of our greatest tools for learning and growth in this life!
When will we rise up and believe ourselves and our own experiences?
I look back at my experiences and see how the church literally handicapped me by making me untrustworthy to myself.
Polygamy is my first and most powerful example.
What in the world are we doing when our young daughters come to us, usually in their teenage years, and timidly ask us about this practice they've likely only just learned of and we respond that It was okay.
What in the world are we doing?!! Can't we see that this is akin to our sweet daughters coming to us, saying, "There is someone who our family knows, someone close to us, someone we trust and love, who did something that makes me very uncomfortable. And that uncomfortable thing has to do with sex." When in the world would we EVER tell them, "You're right. They did do those things. And you shouldn't be uncomfortable. Your feelings are wrong."
Yet we do this ALL THE TIME!!! We do it over and over. Every few years, I would confide in my parents AGAIN, or my bishop, with the same dilemma. Same answer. It's okay. You don't need to worry about it.
Imagine how ashamed I felt when I couldn't shake my worry about it!
How much bravery does it take for a girl to confide in her parents or an ecclesiastical leader that someone they know and love or even revere has done something that is questionable or unethical?
How terrible that at this tender, searching age, as they are newly awakening to human sexuality- most importantly their own - we invalidate their ability to determine what is sexually appropriate or sexually deviant, sexually healthy or sexually abusive?
We cripple them. Instead of making them masters of their own sexuality and confident in their innate conscience, we bend their knees, place a yoke of shame on their shoulders, and direct their eyes to prophets, men who are the heirs of Joseph's mantle.
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